In the End
by UndercoverMoffat
Summary: They meet over drugs, which is just about the worst way to meet a person. AU Trigger Warning: Drug Addiction, Major Character Death, Mentions of Childhood Abuse


_**Trigger Warnings: Drug Addiction, Major Character Death, Mentions of Child Abuse**_

They meet over drugs, which is just about the worst way to meet a person.

If Dean remembers correctly it was cocaine, because that's back before things got really bad, and he was still just a kid, messing around and partying and pretending like he had forever to live. Of course, he was already in knee-deep at the time, so how they ever started up whatever it was they did is beyond Dean.

Alistair introduces them, which is bad in itself, but all three of them are higher than a kite that night, and that's never a good combination. Dean still doesn't really know what happened then, just that Castiel Novak has the bluest fucking eyes Dean's ever seen and the most kissable mouth and the best , rough, steady, strong hands Dean's ever been touched by.

Of course, the next morning, Castiel's gone and Dean was left with a sobered up Alistair.

That's never a good combination.

~X~

The next time Dean sees Castiel is in the parking lot of some over-sized thrift store. Dean's with Garth this time, who's jumping in his seat and scratching his wrists until they bleed, and Dean doesn't know what he's withdrawing from but he knows it's bad.

What's worse is that Castiel shows up in a suit and a tie and trench coat and he looks rich and ridiculously healthy for someone who's shoving cocaine up their nose on a daily basis, but he doesn't charge Garth that much for whatever it is he's selling (Dean's too busy staring at his too-blue eyes and his ruffled, sex hair to pay that much attention) so it turns out great. Even better when Castiel smiles and nods at him like, yeah I remember that awesome blowjob I gave you, but I'm not going to say anything about it, which just leaves Dean all hot and bothered and nothing but Garth and his own hands to take care of it.

~X~

It's midnight at a club notorious for it's near constant date-rape's the third time, and Castiel's back in that loose-fitting tie and trench coat, smiling at Dean like they've been best friends their whole lives.

(Who knows, maybe they have, Dean doesn't know much about himself these days.)

Castiel makes him laugh with these only halfway funny jokes, and Dean's betting by the circles under his bloodshot eyes that he hasn't gotten much sleep, or maybe that coke is still jammed somewhere in his sinuses, but Dean doesn't mind too much because he's not exactly one hundred percent sober himself.

Somewhere around three am they find themselves some E and the next thing Dean knows the sun's coming over the horizon and him and Castiel are falling into each other laughing on the sidewalk outside some government housing and chasing a stray honeybee that thought it'd be a great idea to visit the projects. They follow the bee all the way to Castiel's apartment, which Dean thinks he planned, and then there's great, sunrise-sex and Dean'd be willing to bottom for anyone if they were half as good as Castiel is.

When Dean wakes up in the late afternoon, Castiel's gone.

~X~

Dean doesn't find out anything personal about Cas – because by that point, he stopped being Castiel – until the fifth or sixth, or maybe even the seventh time. And even then it's not much, just a stuttered last name and a story of sexually abusing alcoholic dads and incestuous older brothers, except one who's supposedly doing great things for himself and studying abroad in London for some degree in some weird thing like social theory, which Cass jokes is very appropriate considering their upbringing.

Dean feels like shit when Cas begins to cry, because Dean's life's all rainbows and unicorns and butterflies compared to Castiel's, and Cas has ever reason in the world to shove his worries up his nose and down his throat, except now he's graduated to straight in his veins with needles that never quite get all the way in, leaving his blood everywhere, and Dean's just an asshole with an attitude problem whose only want in life is to get high.

Cas doesn't seem to mind though, which blows Dean's mind, because who wants him when he's fucked up and just too damn stupid to be of any good?

Cas does, that's who, because, "There's something about you, Dean," and Dean thinks that in another lifetime they'd be best friends instead of this awkward, halfway relationship thing they're doing. Dean just hopes that in that lifetime where they're best friends forever that he sucks up any homophobic feelings he may have (certainly took him in a minute in this one, but the time he met Cas, it's over and done with) and just lets himself love Castiel.

Dean would love to love Cas, but he doesn't know if he can. He's wiped out half of his brain cells already.

Dean hopes there's at least one universe where he can love Castiel.

~X~

Dean doesn't know when casual sex turned into not even just sex, but shit like cuddling and watching bad movies together and running out to score together and staying in bed all day together and getting high together and falling asleep together and waking up together to do it all over again.

Dean doesn't know when Castiel started loving him, just that one day out of the blue he did, and Dean tries to say it back, but he can't.

Dean doesn't know when Gabriel Novak shows up, fresh from his trip from London, just that he does, wearing slacks and loafers and an Iron Man t-shirt and looking down at his nose at Castiel. His, "Just thought I'd come say hi, little bro," turns into two bloody noses and a trip to a free clinic for stitches, and after Dean's head is all wrapped up and Gabriel's long since gone, Castiel stares at Dean for a very long time and says that I love you thing again.

This time, Dean can almost say it back, but he can't quite make his mouth form the words, so instead he grins and says, "Me, too," and hopes it's good enough.

~X~

They're both sober when Castiel meets Sam and John and Mary, and it's the first time in months, and Castiel's looking a little worse for wear, all pale and sickly thin and throwing up all the time, but Dean's family takes him into his arms and loves him like he belongs.

Dean thinks he does, and maybe that's when he almost loves him.

Sam and Cas get along fantastic, which is more than Dean could ever ask for, and Cas helps Mary in the kitchen, and sometime they have a conversation about the drug addiction thing, and Castiel admits more to her than he ever has to Dean. The only way Dean knows is because he overhears it, but by the time Cas is done talking about how much he loves him and that it's okay that Dean can't love him back, he's sobbing brokenly into his hands, and then everyone's there, hugging him and promising that one day it'll get better.

Dean doesn't believe them.

~X~

Dean's never hated anyone more than he hates Crowley.

Just Crowley, no last name or first name or middle name, just Crowley and Dean thinks it's the name of a demon, but Castiel adores him for reasons Dean will never know. He invites him over and Dean agrees to threeways that usually leave him pushed off the bed, but he goes along with it because he almost loves Cas.

Except they fight about it once and the next thing Dean knows Castiel's fucking Crowley instead of him and taking back every I love you and he's only gotten thinner and paler and now sometimes when he coughs, there's blood.

Dean meets Benny then, and Benny's everything Castiel's not, all ravenous and angry and sharp teeth and Southern drawl, and Dean hates him, hates him so much, but Cas does too, so it's okay. And Cas fucks Crowley, and Dean fucks Benny, and that's just that, until one day Dean and Css crash into each other and are screaming curse words and crying and wishing everything was different.

When Dean wakes up the next morning, Castiel's still there, and that's how he knows it's going to be okay.

~X~

Except it's not because Cas just gets sicker and sicker and sicker until Dean doesn't know what to do but make himself stop all the drugs, and Cas too, and it's not until Dean makes him go to the hospital that they figure out it's AIDS from sharing needles and a some other shit that he would've survived if his immune system was intact. But it's not, it's torn to shreds, to ribbons, and Dean knows that this is it, and almost loving Cas doesn't matter, because in that one moment he does. Loves him more than he's loved anybody, maybe even his own damn family, and when Castiel's making Dean promise between sobs that he'll get better and find Gabriel and tell him Cas is sorry, Dean wants more than anything to be in his place.

He's sick too, and Cas tells him that it's okay if Dean never forgives him, but Dean doesn't care. He just knows that it'll make him get to Cass faster, and maybe in some weird fucked up Hell they can be together and all the torture and punishment that's God going to give them won't matter.

Except, Dean doesn't think Castiel will go to to Hell, no, he's too good for Hell. He'll be an angel, Dean thinks, God will give him wings and he'll be an angel, saving the day and helping people on this stupid fucking Earth and if Dean goes to Hell and Castiel doesn't, that's perfectly fine.

They're holdings hands when Castiel Novak dies, and when his falls right out of Dean's, Dean wants more than anything to put a gun to his temple and blow his brains out. But he won't, because he promised.

Dean wakes up the next morning, and Castiel's not there, except this time he won't ever be again.

~X~

Dean sticks to his promises, and really, that's all that matters in the end, because he does groups and benefits and all this other shit for Css and goes to college and gets a degree and becomes a social worker and does everything he's supposed to do.

And when he dies, some five years later, it's okay, because Castiel Novak became an angel after all, and Dean Winchester didn't go to Hell.


End file.
